Pleasure After Parenthood: Reclaiming Intimacy in a Changing Body and Life

What Is Pleasure, Anyway?

Pleasure is what drives many of our behaviours. It’s the central motivator for sex — not reproduction (only 2% of sex happens for that reason!). Unlike breathing or eating, we don’t have an innate, unrelenting drive for sex. It’s more like sugar or salt: the more we have it and enjoy it, the more we want it. And when we’re not experiencing it regularly, that desire can fade.

But here is the kicker: pleasure is not just a bonus, it’s a component of wellbeing, of quality of
life. When we experience pleasure, we rate our lives as better which impact emotional wellbeing, relationships, self-esteem, and your ability to be a parent.

In fact, pleasure is a human right, as defined by the World Health Organization’s definition of sexual health. If pain, shame, trauma, or exhaustion are standing in the way of your pleasure, you deserve support to address that. Functioning isn’t enough, pleasure matters.

Why Pleasure Feels So Hard After Kids

There are countless reasons why pleasure can feel out of reach in parenthood. Here are just a
few of the most common ones:

1. Lack of Education

Most of us weren’t taught about pleasure, the clitoris, or that the majority of people with vulvas require external stimulation (not penetration) to orgasm. Sex-education, if you had any, tends to be a negative talk on avoiding sex and the dangers of intimacy – we were not encouraged to enjoy it or to want it.

2. Stigma and Shame

Sexual scripts often paint those with vulvas as passive or existing to please others. Toys are
still stigmatised, even though they can help us reach full arousal (which also reduces pain) or
simply bring us joy on their own.

3. Penetration-Centred Sex

We’ve been taught that sex = penetration = orgasm. But for a lot of people, this formula
doesn’t work. Sex can be so much more (and so much better) when we let go of that focus.
This narrow view on what counts as sex creates a pressurised enviornment of people not
feeling ‘enough’.

4. Lack of Communication

We often hesitate to share what we really need or like. Many of us fake orgasms (about 75%
of women admit to it) because they feel it’s expected, but this only reinforces bad sex and stigma.

5. Media Myths

Movies and porn set unrealistic expectations: quick, loud, spontaneous sex. Real sex is
slower, more varied, and full of nuance. And that’s a good thing.

6. Pain, Trauma & Menopause

From birth trauma to hormonal shifts to sexual assault, our bodies may carry stories that
affect pleasure. These experiences deserve care and attention — and healing can include
rediscovering your relationship to touch, sensation, and desire.

So, What Do We Do? Reclaiming Pleasure After Parenthood

Let’s be practical. Here are five pillars to help you reconnect with your pleasure:

1. Schedule ‘Soft’ Time

Yes, schedule it. Whether it’s 2 minutes or 20, prioritise little rituals that help you reconnect with your sensual self. Because if we’re being real, masturbation is just as important as folding the laundry.

• Shared habits with your partner like no-phone time, intentional cuddling / kissing, or
  even letter writing build intimacy.
• Don’t leave sex till bedtime — energy and intention matter.
• Try the 60-second kiss (yes, a full minute!) – its found boosts dopamine, oxytocin,
  and connection.

2.Explore and Reclaim Your Body

Your body may feel unfamiliar – stretched, tired, or simply not your own. That’s okay. Carve
out time to reconnect with your self, without pressure to enjoy what once felt familiar. It can
be key to practice mindufl touch outside of the bedroom first, then to slowly bring that
awareness into your intimate moments.

• Intentionally moisturising, using a mirror to explore parts you may not have seen for a
  while, or using loads of lube to explore how the sensations change.
• Be mindful of every sensation, good or bad.
• Focus on areas beyond genitals. Intimacy can start with your arms, your back, your
  feet.

3. Share and Accept

Talk about it. With your partner, friends, even yourself. Say things outloud like:

“I want to want sex again, but I’m exhausted.”
“I miss feeling connected.”

Name the changes. There’s no blame, no shame, just reality.

When we share these experience, we not only find that we are not alone but also that our
communities are able to help. I believe it is just as socially acceptable to ask for child care to
go out for a fancy meal with your partner as it is to ask for some alone time so you can have
sex… Sometime that can be way more nourishing than 3 courses.

4. Model Intimacy

Intimacy doesn’t have to wait until the kids are asleep.

• Showing affection in front of your children – hugging, holding hands, kind touches –
  allows them to see pleasure, consent, and connection as normal and healthy parts of
  adult relationships.
• It’s not about exposing them to sex — it’s about teaching healthy emotional and
  physical connection.

5. Get (Subtly) Kinky

Even with kids in the house, you can still feel sexy and adventurous:

• Using sexy text messages during the day to create your own your secret world – sex
  starts way before you get to the bedroom.
• Hide (and charge) your toys. Using toys can speed things up if you need a quickie,
  they can help with nerve changes after birth trauma, and are generally a spicy way to
  add to a dynamic. BUT… a toddler waving your vibrator around is a mood killer.
• Don’t wait for one “perfect” date night as this can add pressure. Get excited before,
  and find other ways to connect if sex doesn’t happen.

Further Resources for Exploring Pleasure

• Dr Karen Gurney – How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life
• Dr Lori Brotto – Better Sex Through Mindfulness
• Emily Nagoski – Come As You Are
• The Ethical Slut – especially helpful for parenting & polyamory
• Ruby Rare – sex-positive educator with a beautiful lens
• Esther Perel – on eroticism, relationships, and long-term desire