words from those who have lost – talking to children about loss – helping a friend – services available after a loss
Writing this blog, I wasn’t sure where to start. As a first point of contact at Talk In The Bay I have received phone calls from parents who are seeking help after the loss of their baby. Confident with the ability of our bereavement counsellors I help them to book a session. After reading a selection of SANDS 40 stories by 40 parents, family members and friends affected by the death of a baby, it’s clear what courage is involved in even just making that call. You can read the stories here.
One mother talks about a friend giving her a leaflet from SANDS saying “…it might help, when you’re ready…”.
“What could they possibly say that could help? My heart had been torn to pieces, my world shattered and broken beyond repair.”
Calling the SANDS support line she found that she was given the emotional space to talk about her daughter and express her grief and anger without fear of judgement. She felt understood. Read more here.
Other stories conveyed the differences in the expression of grief. Couples found themselves dealing with the same heartbreaking loss in very different ways.
“My husband wasn’t able to talk about it. Three years on and he still cannot say Jason’s name.” Read more here.
A father explains:
“It’s something you never think will happen to you. But it did. We have kept this story rather private, but we wanted to remember Benjamin like the angel he is.”
This couple decided to take part in a fundraiser to help other people who are or were in the same situation as them. Read more here.
At Talk In The Bay, we recognise that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Our therapists can support you individually, as a couple or a family and are able to mould the support to each of your needs, whether they are polar opposites or the same. It is important to acknowledge your loss and accept your feelings without allowing it to overwhelm you.
How to talk to a child who has lost a sibling
It’s ok to make mistakes, as parents you only have to be good enough, you are bound to say the wrong thing as you are trying to protect your child. This might be the first time your child speaks about death and there will be questions that feel too much to bear. Following the death of her daughter, Emma Poore, wrote her first book “Where are you Lydie?” aiming to provide “…a valuable tool for families, like us, who couldn’t find any books for children about the loss of a sibling and childhood bereavement.”
“Where are You Lydie?” is a beautifully illustrated exploration of the death of a sibling for children of all ages. The matter of fact conversations which touch on profound issues and then bounce back to “What’s for tea?”, so typical of children, are beautifully captured and provide a safe and inspiring space for children and adults alike to explore bereavement.
Sands is delighted to recommend this special book which will support families experiencing bereavement of any type and will have an extra special place for those families who have lost a baby before, during or shortly after birth.” Jen Coates, Director of Bereavement Support, Sands.
How you can help a friend who has lost a baby
“We were lucky to be surrounded by friends and family who weren’t afraid to ask us questions or say our child’s name, and I think that’s probably what saved us knowing Oliver was remembered that he was here, that he was loved and that his short life was important.” Read their story here
SANDS support and services at Talk In The Bay
SANDS recognises that each person needs different kinds of support, and that these needs can change over time.
They offer a range of ways to support you including online chat and community, free helpline, bereavement support app, memory boxes, information about complaints and legal action, support groups among other support. They have also produced an extensive list of useful links and organisations:
https://www.sands.org.uk/usefullinks
Talk In The Bay offers bereavement counselling with therapists who have experience of working with those who have lost a baby. We are able to offer sessions for couples, families as well as individually. Having couples or family counselling doesn’t mean that you will not get your own space, often therapists will suggest a few individual sessions if needed.
It is important to know that despite the pandemic we and other organisations are still here to support you, your friend or family member who is affected by the death of a baby. #FindingTheWords